【雅思作文批改】5分：過於口語化，注意語法

【雅思作文批改】5分：過於口語化，注意語法

政府應該對鐵路比公路花錢？ 這位同學整體架構比較完整，但是口語化比較嚴重，語法錯誤比較多，基礎不夠紮實，需多多練習。最終得分4.5-5分，還有很大的進步空間。




作文題目:大作文：劍11Test1大作文


Governments should spend money on railways rather than what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

作文內容：

Traffic problem has disturbed government for a long term,as a lot of measure [b1] have been taken to solve that, [b2] there are still some problems remained,m[b3] any people say that government should spend more money on rail rather than road,but i can not[b4] totally agree with this opinion.

Railway, comparing [b5] with road,has larger capacity to load [b6] goods or people,and it is also a good choice for long-distance of the advantages of rail is that you will never meet a traffic light or jam on your way to the destiny[b7] rnment have invest [b8] a lot to make it more safe[b9] and convenient[b10] ,but sometimes it [b11] still makes trouble for people when it is at[b12] peak time;[b13] such as Spring Festival in China,there are even not enough tickets for those passengers who want to go home and [b14] they have to stay in the waiting room for a long more basic facilities or more trains are needed to serve such a large number of people and increase the degree of comfort in passenger s [b15] journey.

On the contrast,road ,as another way that frequently used,is more flexible than railway,b[b16] ut things changed when traffic condition is poor,ad [b17] people nowadays spend a lot of time on traffic jam due to the increasing number of private cars,especially in those major order to figure this problem,government should invest to build more roads like [b18] overhead-roads to release the traffic stress ,so that the air quality[b19] in cities will improve a lot ,too.[b20]

Overall,fund [b21] are needed in both of areas,but it is not wise to say that more money should be used in rail or road,it must according [b22] to the circumstance.

[b1]measures
[b2]but
[b3]注意斷句，Many
[b4]寫作中是cannot
[b5]compared
[b6]transfer
[b7]destination
[b8]has invested
[b9]safer
[b10]more convenient
[b11]指誰？
[b12]改成during
[b13]符號不對
[b14]又是連接誰？
[b15]passengers
[b16]另起一句，大寫
[b17]？
[b18]這是口語用詞
[b19]和空氣質量有關這個邏輯在哪裏？
[b20]口語
[b21]funds
[b22]情態動詞後用原形


各項細評：




針對問題最大的一點指出問題：

改這篇文章感覺像是改口語段子，因爲口語化的說法很多，最大的問題是簡單語法錯誤和複雜語法中句子的斷句。句子可以寫長，但長句也遵循語法規則，需要連詞或者合適的代詞。需要系統學習語法。
臨考前建議整理一下論點思路，考場發揮儘量不要出大的語法錯誤就可以了。



附批改原圖：






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