【雅思作文批改】6.5分：結尾段的語句不夠精煉

【雅思作文批改】6.5分：結尾段的語句不夠精煉

危險的運動應該被取消 ，這樣的話題出現的還是比較普遍的，相對來說也比較好寫，但也因爲範圍太廣不好找切入點，這位同學寫得還不錯，看看他是怎樣展開思路的？



作文題目：

Some people think that dangerous sports should be banned,but others think the people should have freedom to choose sports uss both views and give your opinion.

作文內容：

Extreme sports are becoming increasingly popular due to the fact that individuals nowadays are awash with repeated daily work and want to find something exciting to ough a group of people believe that the dangerous sports should be banned,I firmly hold the opinion that people have their rights and freedom to choose sports activities.

There is no doubt that extreme sports may be if the security facilities have been improved significantly compared to the past,accidents do instance,every year there are some people getting injured or even losing their lives in bungee jumping as a result of the loose cords or jumping from a inappropriate this perspective,it seems that in order to protect human beings from danger,dangerous sports should be restricted.

However,doing dangerous sports is an effective way to alleviate stress and make people cherish their days,owing to the fast flow of information,individuals live a fast-paced they finish certain works,now ones quickly flock to them which could breed high this circumstance,extreme sports such as skydiving can help them get rid of the troublesome work[A1] as they need to totally focus on the dangerous sports,which means,they have little time to think about their over,people may cherish their lives more via experiencing the frightening feelings of death.

To conclude,although extreme sports like bungee jumping and skydiving may be life-threatening,the probability is quite ,the dangerous activities are beneficial because they could alleviate stress and make people cherish their lives.[A2] Therefore,they should be continued and the authorities have the duty to make the security facilities more reliable.

[A1]擺脫的不是工作，而是工作帶來的壓力，這裏需要修改；
[A2]和上面的重複過多，緩解壓力變相表達就是心情變得更加愉悅，可以從這個角度來改變表達方式，後者及意識的生命的寶貴，不可直接把上面的句子拿下來


各項細評：




針對問題最大的一點給出修改建議：

結尾段的語句不夠精煉，這點給整篇文章拉分。希望今後不要出現結尾段直接和上面表達雷同的情況，並且表達方式可以更加靈活

附批改原圖：







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